I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
