I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
