I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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