After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
