Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You are the jesus of drinking
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize