i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
