y did u give ur computer a hand job?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
