My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
