I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
