I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
