I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
