He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
