it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
