we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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