LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
