Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
