my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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