WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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