I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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