Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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