if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
