Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
