I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
