Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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