you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
