I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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