i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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