Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
