Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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