I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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