Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
