Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nutella sex= disaster
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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