i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
