the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
