You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
