Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Sober January is a disaster.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
