I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
zippers are such a cool invention
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
