I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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