Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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