Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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