Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
