the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
