I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
