he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
