i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize