Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
