I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
