Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
