I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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