Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
