ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Found your dick twin last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
the liver wants what the liver wants
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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