Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
