Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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