apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
