My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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