i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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