Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
